Hello Protagonists,
Welcome back to Letters from the Creative Life. These occasional essays explore the quieter corners of living: small reflections on art, ambition, and the tender balancing act of building a meaningful life in a noisy world. Think of them as letters from our lives to yours. Enjoy!
xo,
Joanna & Evelyn
The First Pancake
Understanding the Discomfort of Beginnings in a Creative Life
I’ve had several big creative firsts this past month. I kicked off my first coaching circle, queried my first women’s fiction novel, and joined Evelyn in co-running this amazing community. You are reading my first newsletter right this minute.
In a moment of overwhelm at all these new endeavors, a friend told me, “Joanna, you are sitting in front of a stack of first pancakes. Be gentle.” My friend said this to appreciate my accomplishments, but even more to admire my capacity and bring me back to center. I paused and soaked it in.
Everyone knows the first pancake comes out wonky. It typically tastes great, but it’s different than all the rest–a little undercooked, yet also crispy, and definitely a weird shape. It takes time to get the pan to the right temperature, adjust the batter thickness, and build up our spatula confidence.
First attempts are often tricky. With pancakes, we pour the next one and push on, but it’s harder to do with our other creative pursuits because they mean a bit more to us than breakfast. Understanding why first attempts are difficult in my creative life has helped me expand my capacity to try them and keep going even when they aren’t just right.
Brain Pain
Doing something new takes way more cognitive energy than doing something we already know. Look at these scans that compare the brain activation across states of learning from novice to skilled. Our bodies are always looking to conserve energy for survival, and the brain uses the most premium fuel, so we get all sorts of warnings, particularly along fear pathways, to avoid first pancakes if we can. First attempts feel hard because our brains are making new connections inside our skulls. It’s easier to stick with what we know, even if what we know doesn’t make us feel as creative, inspired, and alive as we could be.
Protect the Ego
With fear and discomfort running through us, we can then attach stories to these sensations to make them stop or avoid them altogether. Harsh stories like — If I try this new thing, I might make a fool of myself. If I can’t do it right the first time, I’m not any good at this. People like me don’t do new things like this. My first try was awful, so I should stop. Other people do it better than I do. I don’t have time for that new thing anyway.
We also revisit our messy past first attempts (discounting all the ones that went well, of course) and drizzle them onto our current pancake. These stories can scare us into staying in the safety of the status quo. Unfortunately, we also fail to give equal consideration to the cost of these beliefs–creative repression.
So what do we do with all this? For years, I flailed in this cycle. Everything from writing my first novel, having my first baby, attending my first conferences, and even trying new hobbies would set off swirls of fear stories, sometimes whipping around for days on end. But after understanding the roots of my reactions, I found several tools to help myself.
Feeling the Feelings
Emotions–fear, anger, sadness, joy–are energy in motion. Emotions are different than thoughts and stories. (Emotion = I feel sad. Story = I feel like I am a failure.) Feelings are sensations in the body. And when the feelings arise, I feel them in my body, separate from the stories. Fear often shows up as tightness in my belly and breath.
To feel it, I let my body be as tight as it needs to be. I go into the sensation rather than away from it or into the stories, and eventually, it shifts. Emotions always do, unless they glom onto a story and get recycled over and over.
At this point in my life, I am very skeptical about big, mean stories about my worth. I see them for what they are – my brain trying to conserve energy and my ego trying to keep me safe. I thank them for doing their job, and I remember my choice — I can conserve energy and stay very safe or I can share my creative gifts, learn from doing, and feel my full aliveness. When I state it this way, the choice isn’t as difficult anymore.
Challenge the Stories
Many of us have internalized a fixed mindset, thinking that our abilities are innate and unchangeable. With this belief, the first wonky pancake is proof that we are untalented failures. But research shows that mistakes are not proof of failure, but essential for success.
With a growth mindset, we can believe that our abilities are developed through effort and persistence. So, of course, our first pancake will be wonky–we need to practice. I challenge the stories that my ego spins up, that my first attempt will lead to my demise, and find examples of when I persevered to see that messy mistakes can make me better. I come to really understand that there is no way around the first pancake if I want pancakes.
Align with my Intention
Do I really want pancakes? Picking goals that matter to me intrinsically is deeply important. Attempting new things and persisting after first attempts is easier when the process matters to me, regardless of anyone else. I like to ask myself: “Is this a life experience I want?” This helps me connect with my desire for the process over the outcome and center the things I want to do in my life.
Tara Mohr in Playing Big suggests shifting from “Am I good enough?” to “Is this aligned with my values?” Asking these questions shifts the locus of control from outside of ourselves to inside. We are the one who determines our success.
Preparation
I’ve been preparing for these coaching and querying firsts for quite some time. Researching, writing, revising, learning, practicing, but nothing can make a first pancake anything other than a first pancake. So, I not only prepare for the creative pursuit itself, but I also prepare for the internal challenge of doing new things. Firsts can be uncomfortable and exciting. Self-doubt and fear may come. These things are normal. Expected, in fact.
However, a word of caution about over-preparation. The story, Just one more degree, one more draft, one more critique, and then I’ll be ready, can be a trap. We can stay in preparation to avoid the discomfort of action. But often it is action that gives us the information we need.
There is a cost to over-preparing; we keep our gifts from the world, restrain our aliveness, and delay getting important data. So, I like to check, am I preparing more out of fear or love? How can I prepare myself, not for perfection, but for persistence?
Community
We are not alone. To help with all my first attempts, I surround myself with a creative community that understands the courage required to make pancakes. When I get overwhelmed by the cortisol or lost in the stories, they can hold me, remind me of my deeper intentions, and lead me back to my center. As I step into the Creative. Inspired. Happy. community, I can feel you all doing this with one another, and I wonder how we can support each other even more. This creative stuff is only for the courageous.
The Third Pancake
This post took much longer to draft than I expected. In fact, this is my third attempt. As I opened yet another new document, fear arose, and all the stories came rushing in - Who wants my pancakes anyway? If this is how long it takes me to write one little post, how am I going to fit this into my other work?
So, I practice what’s really important. I remember sharing my voice for the first time in a new community is hard. My brain is using lots of energy building new connections, and it’s uncomfortable. My chest feels tight. Breath, feel. I reconnect to my deep intention of helping creatives understand the patterns that block them from sharing their gifts with the world and feeling fully alive in the process. I see that I’ll find my way only if I keep going, so flip — pancake done. On to the next.
Share your firsts with us so we can cheer you on.
What creative first attempts have you tried recently? 🥞
Or what’s your favorite pancake topping? 🍓🍌🫐🥓